nonviolent communication

[lobolance]

I've been trying to figure out how to talk about nonviolent communication, which sir_ender pointed me too.

Here is a good overview: http://www.cnvc.org/nvc.htm

In essence, the idea is to get at unmet needs; your own, and the person(s) you are communicating with, in an empathic, non-demanding way that enhances rather than inhibits real intimacy. Observer what is going on, express feelings (without judgement accompaning), express the met/unmet needs, make a request.

Here is a really good interview with the founder, discussing intimacy and relationships in particular: http://www.yogitimes.com/02_2005/interview.html

This is unexpectedly hard stuff... on the surface, it was 'oh yeah, I recognize that.' And yet I find it a real challenge to follow the system. This is definitely a really good practice for me.

Comments

[kingwyatt.livejournal.com]

So often I find that a particular word is a trigger for me and immediately turns me off to the message. For me this was the case when reading the words "nonviolent" communication. That is for me, violence is something that in most cases is an extra ordinary (out of the realm of acceptable) expression of anger. At first read, this post was a turn off for me and I really had to work at putting aside my own concept of "violence" to get at the message that was being communicated. In reading the actual articles I found lots of good stuff to which I could relate. I realize that the meat of the message is to use (or for most of us practice using) compassion when communicating feelings of anger or disappointment and yet I still have a strong reaction to the language "nonviolent". It invokes in me a feeling that it is not "OK" to even have feelings of anger or disappointment much less express them. While I may be one that is too quick to express those sort of feelings, I find it extremely difficult to deal with folks who never express these very real feelings. To me it feels as if they are hiding something, that I can't trust them to be honest because being nice is more important to them than getting at the real crux of what they are feeling. I guess I would say I sense a wall between them and myself that keeps me from feeling comfortable that I am getting enough information to really know them. The second article talks about feeling safe (or the lack there of) in communicating and I believe that is really what creates the wall. Unfortunately, for me I feel it as a catch-22. The lack of safety others feel in expressing feelings of anger or disappointment (unmet needs) results in the creation of the wall and invokes in me the feelings of being unsafe (lack of trust) with them. The result is withdrawal on both sides, neither of us knowing how to get beyond the sticking point.

Good article

[sir-ender.livejournal.com]

There were several quotes I lifted from the interview because they were so fucking articulate. One thing Marshall says really hit home for me. He said, "In NVC, we consider praise and compliments a violent form of communication." So many times, I will hear (even from my own mouth) stuff like, you're great or you're beautiful or you are so smart or you're such an angel or... and I feel kind of frozen, stuck. I when I receive praise or compliments, I have trained myself to smile and say thank you, but it always feels awkward. I really like what he suggests we do instead, to CELEBRATE:

"...celebrate the life that has been enriched by what the other person has contributed to you. Then, once conscious... make clear three things in this celebration..."
1) What the person did that enriched your life, not a generality, like “your so kind, beautiful, or wonderful” but what concretely did they do for you.
2) How do you feel inside about their action?
3) What need of yours was fulfilled inside you by their contribution?

I commit to practicing this as often as I can to see how and if it works for me and those around me. So, to start... Lance, your wanting to borrow my book and doing the research and investigation into NVC (aka Compassionate Communication!) gives me hope. I feel excited and more hopeful that your interest will mean I could possibly have someone else in my life who is consciously working with this new way of interacting. I have been wanting to do more of this, but I've found that the practice is difficult to do alone and your interest helps me feel not so alone.

Thank you for sharing the link to the article.