compliments
Apr. 27th, 2007 11:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lobolanceI worked from home yesterday. It was wonderful. Instead of distracting myself a number of time with useless web surfing, I did a handful of tiny household chores when I needed to get up and stretch. The sense of accomplishment, both for work life and home life, was a pleasure.
I go for a couple of walks a day, usually. Yesterday I took one, through my neighborhood. It's old California, bungalows, tree roots pushing at the sidewalk. Visited a tiny florist which turned out to have really staid, boring arrangements. So much for getting flowers there. Walked on. Smiled at an older Latina who was pushing one tot in a stroller and holding a slightly bigger one by the hand; it was great to see her seamed dour face take on a smile. It surprised me!
Kept walking. Round the corner back to my block. I love looking at the yards/gardens; it's a fertile area, and I like to garden. Right now many plants are in there first wave of bloom. I discovered that as much as love austere gardens, what really brings passion in my response is a slightly-overblown garden. And it must have a space for sitting down! If a person can't sit in a place to relax in it, well, that's nearly useless (ok, don't go there :-) ).
So I was walking 'round this one house which had a ton of roses, and an older Japanese man came out. In the midst of him sitting down on his flat little stool, I complimented his roses. He paused half way down to give a surprised smile and a brief word.
That was cool.
I decided a few years back to give as many compliments as I could, for assorted reasons. It's been good. Yesterday, I stretched myself to compliment these folks I normally wouldn't extend more than a polite smile to. It felt good, deeds well done.
---
What if I had left out the word Latina?
I'm sure the old man was American of Japanese descent. If I had left out 'Japanese' would you have pictured an old white guy? 'Older guy with a stool' would've been an older white guy with a round three-legged stool (at least, if you are essentially white bread American, like me).
Leaving out those words would've made the descriptions a lot less interesting. And a lot of 'meta' info - which makes things feel more real - would be gone. And yet if it had been an old white guy, probably I wouldn't have said so (unless maybe he was clearly Italian or something - all of this is really about my history in some sense...).
So I wonder about race in the play of all of this. It's good to acknowledge the details. Yet doing so points out expectations. Odd stuff. I think the only good response is to always put in as much interesting info as possible. :-)
I do love the diversity of my neighborhood.
Reminded me - *Boston Legal* this week was in part about this sort of thing (sorta); about 'not sounding black'. About how talking about race isn't racism.
Still, I notice.
I go for a couple of walks a day, usually. Yesterday I took one, through my neighborhood. It's old California, bungalows, tree roots pushing at the sidewalk. Visited a tiny florist which turned out to have really staid, boring arrangements. So much for getting flowers there. Walked on. Smiled at an older Latina who was pushing one tot in a stroller and holding a slightly bigger one by the hand; it was great to see her seamed dour face take on a smile. It surprised me!
Kept walking. Round the corner back to my block. I love looking at the yards/gardens; it's a fertile area, and I like to garden. Right now many plants are in there first wave of bloom. I discovered that as much as love austere gardens, what really brings passion in my response is a slightly-overblown garden. And it must have a space for sitting down! If a person can't sit in a place to relax in it, well, that's nearly useless (ok, don't go there :-) ).
So I was walking 'round this one house which had a ton of roses, and an older Japanese man came out. In the midst of him sitting down on his flat little stool, I complimented his roses. He paused half way down to give a surprised smile and a brief word.
That was cool.
I decided a few years back to give as many compliments as I could, for assorted reasons. It's been good. Yesterday, I stretched myself to compliment these folks I normally wouldn't extend more than a polite smile to. It felt good, deeds well done.
---
What if I had left out the word Latina?
I'm sure the old man was American of Japanese descent. If I had left out 'Japanese' would you have pictured an old white guy? 'Older guy with a stool' would've been an older white guy with a round three-legged stool (at least, if you are essentially white bread American, like me).
Leaving out those words would've made the descriptions a lot less interesting. And a lot of 'meta' info - which makes things feel more real - would be gone. And yet if it had been an old white guy, probably I wouldn't have said so (unless maybe he was clearly Italian or something - all of this is really about my history in some sense...).
So I wonder about race in the play of all of this. It's good to acknowledge the details. Yet doing so points out expectations. Odd stuff. I think the only good response is to always put in as much interesting info as possible. :-)
I do love the diversity of my neighborhood.
Reminded me - *Boston Legal* this week was in part about this sort of thing (sorta); about 'not sounding black'. About how talking about race isn't racism.
Still, I notice.
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 09:47 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing.
Race... (or ethenticity)
Date: 2007-04-28 06:39 pm (UTC)With each race comes a different culture, thus different looks, actions, tools, behaviors, beliefs, etc. In addition, our brains are hard-wired to fill in the details of a picture if we cannot see the whole picture.
I know that for me, had you not mentioned the race, I would have filled in that picture with a white woman and a white man. So the question for me is, would a Japanese person have filled in those pictures with Japanese people, a Latin person with Latin people, etc.
I may have to do an experiment with my friends of color to find out.
As for the compliments. I've been doing that on and off for years now. The reactions are AMAZING and well worth the effort both for me and for the person I'm complimenting. You go Lance! I think it is an excellent habit to cultivate and doing it can change lives.
Hugs*